A great weight lifted

In the process of getting ready for bed last night, I decided to begin a new journal - turn over a new leaf, as it were. Just making that decision really helped me to focus where I need to focus - on the future, on what I need to do now and to stop picking at the past year like a scab that won't heal.

Ironically, as I was putting the journal with the others, I found my letters and journal from 1992 when I was in Brush. It's in a file labeled "hell week for a year" and it was about when I edited the Brush News-Tribune and my struggles with the the arbitrary and capricious publisher - a woman who had two journalism classes from the local community college (where I was teaching) and thought she knew everything there was to know about journalism and didn't even know the definition of libel. (I do, and I'm not telling you her name, but I probably could, because the first defense against libel is the TRUTH.) Anyhow, the ironic part is that I included copies of my column "Ramblin'" that I wrote every week. You know, it was pretty decent. I'd completely forgotten about it, but in general, the columns were tight, to the point, used a personal experience to illustrate some actual theme. And, I believe I'll be writing a column again in Trenton - its a boost to have this glimpse into the past in a way that helps propel me into the future in a positive way.

I'm reading The Prince of Darkness, Bob Novak's new book. It's a bit more "Washington insider" from 30 years ago than I'm interested in - my goodness, the man has never thrown away an expense report or datebook his entire career! He combines several themes that interest me: Journalism, his conversion to the Catholic Church, and the experience of being an "outsider." I think most journalists are outsiders - the geeky kid who sat and observed his the kids in class and made smart-aleck comments to the people around him. Then, grows up to realize that you can write those observations down for a living! If you become a columnist, you can write the smart-aleck comments down for a living. The other fascinating aspect of this, and he may or may not be exhibiting this consciously, is when he's about 30, how he's a successful reporter for the Wall Street Journal for crying out loud and he's thinking his career is a failure. I thought to myself: We're never satisfied. As I read along, I'll bet I discover that he's never quite satisfied. Of course, Novak is in his 70s and looking back on his life - he's making comments about times he was selfish toward his wife, revealing times he drank too much and was rude to some politician. He is taking pains to correct injustices - both committed by him and committed to him. I know no one would be interested in a detailed recap of my life - I can't imagine doing the research, trying to read through my journals and struggle with my handwriting - but you do have to wonder how you would summarize your own life when you're elderly.